Everything I grow

"Round and round and round she goes, where she stops no-one knows..."

Spideog did text me last night, with a "How are you young lady". I didn't know how to take that. I had been in touch with Fairy who was meant to come over and couldn't, and they were working together. It occurred to me he might have contacted me out of guilt because she had mentioned me. It turns out it was just a coincidence, albeit an odd one.

As usual the messages were curt enough due to his being at work and monitoring the bands that were on, but they were immediate replies. Piscin was having dinner with me, and I blurted out all my paranoia to her. I hate wondering what's going on and feeling loyal to someone who owes me nothing. I am not even sure myself how I feel about him, but my automatic pilot makes me want to know what is going on and be in touch all the time. My clingy side is not healthy.

I decided to ask if he wanted to come over for dinner some night. No,he answered, a polite no. He doesn't eat out. I felt an eejit to have asked. I feel like I have to chase him, and for someone who does not chase and never asks people out, this is a terrifying prospect. No, I decide, I can voice things, but I have to keep reign on myself. Let me know what you are doing later, he texts. I ask is it because he wants to go out? Maybe, is the reply. I feel annoyed, and possibly my pride is dented. I know he will decide not to, not least because it's pissing rain.

I head down the road to an open mic night, where I am so nervous that I cannot keep still nor stumm. I rewrite my song "Good Girl" as a shameless song about a girl who tells her ex who has come back to her that she is gone past any idea of loving sex, and now sells herself for anything, and that he could never satisfy her anyhow. I wonder will I be brave enough to sing it, because I can be quite prudish...

An old friend appears into the night. He still has it in his head that I fancy him. His white bulk in even whiter shirt puts the fear of god into me. I have told him straight that I am not interested, several times. He is the image of a typical beef-farmer's son : liver-lipped, big and both fat and muscle-bound, balding and sweaty, pasty, and earnest. He is clearly dressed to the nines and I squirm at the knowledge that it is for me and I don't deserve nor want the attention. It is all I can do to be civil, but luckily another mutual friend arrives and I can joke normally with him and relieve some tension. I play my songs well, and escape when I can. The lovely lady behind the bar, who is desperate to get rid of us as we have kept her back late, stops me on the way out, and inflates my ego dreadfully by telling me how much she enjoyed the set I played. I am very moved, and pleased.

I debate whether to go home or head into town. I want to phone Spideog and tell him to rescue me from the clutches of another, but I know that is just my stupid attention-seeking side. Spideog does text me that he is going home, but for once I have pre-empted him as I am home already. I phone him. He is clearly uncomfortable. I tell him I hate texts as they make me paranoid, and I am calling to see if he's ok. He knows I am not and asks what is wrong but I know myself well enough that these issues have little to do with him. I just want him to know that if he is feeling uncertain that it is okay and it's no big deal. I tell him he has to text me next time he has time as I don't like feeling like I am constantly rejected, and yes, that is my problem, not his. He feels things are complicated. I remind him of the day we hung out and just had a laugh. That is what I want, I say - just to hang out and have fun. It sounds in my ears like I am avoiding commitment, but I know I can't say "and anything else is a bonus" because it reveals how desperate I am.

I finish the call, and straight away have to send a text message. It reads: Sorry, one more thing. Please be honest with me. Thanks.
He replies: I am/will.X
It is a kiss at the end of the message that I won't see until the morning.

I have it in my head that I need to just forget about all this because it will take over my life otherwise. I tend to drop everything so easily. I know I like Spideog, I know I barely know him, I know I can't afford the emotional difficulty of someone else's problems affecting me, and that I should just do my own thing and if he comes around then great. But my loyal side wants to play with him only, and help, and be there. I cannot do this again. As it says in "Good Girl":

I want to whisper
This line
-Make you Listen...
I don't understand
Don't understand what is happening
Or Where I am
What is it You Want from me?
Everything I grow
Is for the New Me as well.

I want you to understand
I have New Needs now -
No More Selfless Love
No More trying to Fit what it is You're thinking of -
I've given All I had
And now I am a Barren Shell
Everything I grow
Is for the New Me as well.

I will Take You Home
Let You Bite my skin
I'll accept Your Bread
Unlock the door and Let You in...