Daydreams crashing down
Spring has arrived I think. The daffodils are overcrowding and the tulips are starting to unfold cautiously. And I am off to Spain.
I met with Piscin yesterday in order to try and plan how we are getting there, what we will do, and what we want to do. I met her in a pub. Bad move. She was accompanied by three lads she worked with so I'd a great time, but we didn't actually get anything discussed.
So we went home, and I fed Kaptain Kat who was ecstatic to see me, as I had abandoned him in favour of minding the terrible twins for the weekend. We headed out shortly afterward to The Middle Ground, where we went all out, or into the NAaighttt, as Piscin would say. I danced my socks off, and sang a few times and drank too much.
Duff was there, the boy from Lithuanian ancestry. I think he's a big ride, as the saying goes, so I decided Better Out Than In, and for the first time in my life, went up to him and said "while I'm still sober I want to tell you that I think you are a very good-looking individual". Why so formal? I have no bog, suffice to say, I was being cornered by some eejit who's idea of chatting me up was to argue with me about my name, and I hate that kind of thing cos my name is hard enough without people telling me I have it wrong! Anyway, that gave me the kick up the bum to actually go over and say it. Besides he was watching your man to see how I reacted, so I suppose I felt braver then. Anyway, that was a big deal for me.
The nice part is that straight away I was told that I am a beautiful woman, which even if it's a reflex, it made me feel warm. The bad part is that I followed it with "And that's all!" in a final, closing, turn and walk forward to see who's on stage kind of way. However there is something there, and we'll see what happens. We shared pints, and talked and laughed. I am cripplingly shy at the best of times, and if he can't or won't make the next move, then it's not worth the trouble. Because I can't do anymore right now.
Piscin is a dote. And a beautiful lady. We headed after all this home, and on our way we met some Russians who invited us back to their house. They live with an Irish guy, whom I played music with initially, but who kept pestering me about my age (he's 22, and didn't like it when I said I was older), and then about which of my songs was the best. I was tired, and though it's no excuse, after the third time of him telling me what me best song was, I said "I don't care!". Well of course it sounded arrogant. It wasn't meant that way. I was playing badly, I was tired, it wasn't my best song, and I didn't think before I spoke. Deep down I am someone who cares too much, so I need to shut off. I fear rejection. Criticism is something I don't deal with well, and though I'm trying, it makes me feel like a failure, so my reaction is to get defensive. Not caring is hoping things will go away.
Of course, straight away I was told I should leave. Only the Russians didn't like that. It took me a while to realise what was going on because I was feeling deflated anyhow, and when I asked him, the Irish guy said I'd been very rude. I apologised and tried to explain where it'd come from, but he didn't want to know. I fled. The Russians tried to keep me there, telling me I'd a great russian accent, something that would normally delight me, but I pulled away and ran. Piscin came running after me and she was lovely. All the you-did-nothing-wrong and all that, even though I had.
But despite that I'd a good night. I have something to distract me a little, and daydream about. I wonder if it'll crumble quickly or actually come to anything?
I met with Piscin yesterday in order to try and plan how we are getting there, what we will do, and what we want to do. I met her in a pub. Bad move. She was accompanied by three lads she worked with so I'd a great time, but we didn't actually get anything discussed.
So we went home, and I fed Kaptain Kat who was ecstatic to see me, as I had abandoned him in favour of minding the terrible twins for the weekend. We headed out shortly afterward to The Middle Ground, where we went all out, or into the NAaighttt, as Piscin would say. I danced my socks off, and sang a few times and drank too much.
Duff was there, the boy from Lithuanian ancestry. I think he's a big ride, as the saying goes, so I decided Better Out Than In, and for the first time in my life, went up to him and said "while I'm still sober I want to tell you that I think you are a very good-looking individual". Why so formal? I have no bog, suffice to say, I was being cornered by some eejit who's idea of chatting me up was to argue with me about my name, and I hate that kind of thing cos my name is hard enough without people telling me I have it wrong! Anyway, that gave me the kick up the bum to actually go over and say it. Besides he was watching your man to see how I reacted, so I suppose I felt braver then. Anyway, that was a big deal for me.
The nice part is that straight away I was told that I am a beautiful woman, which even if it's a reflex, it made me feel warm. The bad part is that I followed it with "And that's all!" in a final, closing, turn and walk forward to see who's on stage kind of way. However there is something there, and we'll see what happens. We shared pints, and talked and laughed. I am cripplingly shy at the best of times, and if he can't or won't make the next move, then it's not worth the trouble. Because I can't do anymore right now.
Piscin is a dote. And a beautiful lady. We headed after all this home, and on our way we met some Russians who invited us back to their house. They live with an Irish guy, whom I played music with initially, but who kept pestering me about my age (he's 22, and didn't like it when I said I was older), and then about which of my songs was the best. I was tired, and though it's no excuse, after the third time of him telling me what me best song was, I said "I don't care!". Well of course it sounded arrogant. It wasn't meant that way. I was playing badly, I was tired, it wasn't my best song, and I didn't think before I spoke. Deep down I am someone who cares too much, so I need to shut off. I fear rejection. Criticism is something I don't deal with well, and though I'm trying, it makes me feel like a failure, so my reaction is to get defensive. Not caring is hoping things will go away.
Of course, straight away I was told I should leave. Only the Russians didn't like that. It took me a while to realise what was going on because I was feeling deflated anyhow, and when I asked him, the Irish guy said I'd been very rude. I apologised and tried to explain where it'd come from, but he didn't want to know. I fled. The Russians tried to keep me there, telling me I'd a great russian accent, something that would normally delight me, but I pulled away and ran. Piscin came running after me and she was lovely. All the you-did-nothing-wrong and all that, even though I had.
But despite that I'd a good night. I have something to distract me a little, and daydream about. I wonder if it'll crumble quickly or actually come to anything?
posted by Green Glass Beads at 12:59
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